“I think I need to start drinking coffee.” I told Barbara (formerly known as Cristina.) “Nah, just drink tea.” She wrote back. It took every ounce of self-control I had to not remind her that the primary reason she is now a self-professed tea aficionado and pusher of all things herbal (which sounds deliciously illegal) is that she couldn’t say “no” to the yappy little Teavana chiquita in the mall and ended up with $600 worth of tea and a bunch of tea-cookery-things that, two years later, she still has no idea how to use. (Barbara’s idea of “cooking” is sticking a bag of popcorn in the microwave or if she’s feeling really fancy, making tuna fish. Julia Child she is not.) She continued. “Just have them hold the water.” Huh? It was late and I’d had a long day (adding to my list of Bad Grown-Up stories with a not-fit-for-print movie theater incident) but tea without water is what? Grass, leaves and twigs at the bottom of a … [Read more...]
Bad Grown-Ups Say Hallelujah
“I’m too hot. Hot damn. Girls hit your hallelujah. Cause I’m going to funkngiveittoya.” The ladies’ gasps were audible. While he danced and sang like nobody was watching (ahhh, the delicious irony), the other mothers stood fast and united behind their little ticket-peddling card tables. With their dropped jaws and Restaylned lips, you could see the word bubbles forming over their heads as they looked at 3.0 (my youngest nephew) in abject horror: “YOUR GROWN-UP IS BAD. She is a terrible, horrible, no good, VERY bad grown-up.” Apparently, none of them have heard the Bruno Mars Uptown Funk that plays NONFLIPPINGSTOP on the radio and/or can extrapolate the fact that most 3 year olds aren’t the best enunciators and it was FUNK with an –n, not with a –c. That’s what happens, you know. When a wee one does something, er, unfavorable, all empathy goes out the window and the adults in the room immediately look around … [Read more...]
Questions & Answers from the VT/NH Direct Marketing Group Event
Last week, I spoke at a VT/NH Direct Marketing Group event along with Kevin Hillstrom of Mine That Data and Bill LaPierre of Datamann. At the end of the day, we took about an hour to answer questions that were sent in before the conference as well as some “live” audience questions. Frankly, I thought most people would bail before this session – it had already been a long day -- filled with rapid-fire information and teensy spreadsheets -- and the weather outside was, well, not delightful. (Datamann did a fantastic job of hosting the Show but they did absolutely nothing about fixing the below-zero weather outside. They’re topnotch at merge-purge so I guess they spend more time talking to the Data Gods than Mother Nature. We all have to pick our battles, eh?) Interestingly enough, the majority of attendees stayed and we just couldn’t get to all the questions.* Here are some of the web-related ones people came up to me afterwards and … [Read more...]
Mobile-Schmobile: 6 Sure-Fire Tips on How You Can Improve Your Mobile Strategy Today!
When I began my internet career, my first “legitimate” email address was a CompuServe number. Back then, if you told someone you were doing work on the web (or the WWW as it was ever-so-fondly called), they’d often look at you quizzically, wondering whether or not you made a good porn star or how much money you had from trafficking whatever illegal things you were selling. Allegedly. These days, I get thousands of emails about mobile with the same sort of questions as folks had then. People want to know what to do, what not to do, and a lot of times they just want to tell me the eleventy bazillion reasons why it doesn’t/won’t work for them. As if mobile marketing is a choice. Ha! I went through exactly the same battles when people told me the internet was like the CB radio. Ah-em Bill LaPierre. But I digress… Here are some of my best tips to improve YOUR mobile journey. (These come from the questions I am most commonly … [Read more...]
The Biggest Mistakes Catalogers Make When It Comes to eCommerce… Part 1
Catalogers and other offline marketers have many advantages when it comes to eCommerce. Unfortunately, most of them don’t leverage their benefits. What’s even more demoralizing? They often turn their positives into BIG negatives. No, I’m not being a Negative Nelly here. Ass-y Amy? Perhaps. That’s always a fair assumption. But I digress… I started my direct marketing career in the mail order world and I will always have a soft-spot for catalog and two-step companies. There was nothing like opening an envelope filled with cash – yes, cash -- from some little old lady 38 states away wanting a pack of greeting cards and a refrigerator magnet from the stationery company I worked for at the time. So yes, despite the somewhat obnoxious, linkbait-y title, if you’re a cataloger – or any legacy company, for that matter -- here are some of the biggest mistakes I see AND more important, tried-and-true ways/solutions for you to fix … [Read more...]
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Catalogers and other offline marketers have many advantages when it comes to E-Commerce. 
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